Street Level

Throughout the city, women are planning ways to celebrate International Women’s Day next month.

But for one woman, it’s a celebration every day she gets up because, now, she can face the hurdles in front of her, accept the disappointments the courts have meted out and move on after leaving an abusive relationship.

In a perfect world, we could print her name so that others could know of the experiences she had, how the judicial system treated this unemployed mom when she fled and how difficult it is to maintain any credibility when the one she has condemned is a church-going professional man.

But because there are ongoing legal issues to resolve, we’ll call her Mary.

And we won’t be giving her ex-husband a name, because this is Mary’s story.

It’s the story of a young single mom who met a man. Before she knew it, they were dating, living together and planning a wedding. It was quite the whirlwind romance.

Now, she realizes she was seeing the first steps of those men who control and potentially abuse their partners exhibit. But, at the time, it was simply thrilling to have someone who said he loved her and her child.

There was no need for her to work after their marriage; he would be the family breadwinner for her, the child and the baby on the way.

Mary didn’t realize this was also indicative of a potential abuser.

She thought his belief in rigid gender roles and the way he identified himself through his marriage were more signs she was genuinely loved.

She started to think there was something wrong when the only way he could discipline her child was with spankings.

And, when she told him she disapproved of her daughter seeing him walking through their home naked constantly, Mary says he belittled her but grudgingly agreed to wrap a towel around his midriff.

Unlike many women who take decades to realize the marriage they thought was ideal is far from it, Mary figured out within a couple of years something was wrong.

They separated, with Mary keeping the children and with the goal of trying to work out their problems — until days later, when her drunk husband burst into the house he had agreed to leave.

Mary says he tried to strangle her, something a friend who witnessed the scene corroborates. Mary grabbed the baby and locked herself in another room while the police were called.

And, when they arrived, her husband blamed it all on Mary. She’s crazy, she caused it, she made me mad.

Now, after much counselling, Mary knows that’s yet another sign it is time to get out.

Which is what she has done.

Now divorced, unemployed, unable to continue her studies because of her inability to concentrate, Mary is fighting for her children.

She just doesn’t buy the line she’s heard tossed around in court that being abusive toward her doesn’t mean he’s a bad parent.

That walking around naked in front of his children doesn’t mean he’s a bad parent.

That telling the courts he’s taken parenting classes and has learned the errors of his ways carries more weight than her own fears.

Mary is angry not just at her ex, but at the system in which she finds herself. She has no income to afford a high-priced lawyer, as he does.

Legal aid has done all it can and won’t fund her appeal of a court ruling giving her ex access to the baby.

She’s angry that the day a no-contact ruling expired, he was calling her first thing in the morning, berating her — and there’s nothing she can do about it.

She can’t believe her ex still has the credibility to be allowed access to their child when he has admitted in court he lied in previous hearings, beat her and hit the daughter.

Mary’s called many different agencies for legal help. Everyone she has talked to commiserates, but no one has the resources to help her continue her fight through the courts.

What she’s learned, however, is something that Mary says will guide her the rest of her life. She’s learned to stand up for herself. She’s learned to trust her instincts. She’s learned she can survive for a month on the kind of money many would spend on coffee in a four-week period.

Women have been celebrating International Women’s Day for almost a century now. We’ve had to convince the world we deserve to be considered people, know enough to vote, can fight in any man’s army and even head into space.

When will we all learn it’s not OK to allow any man to abuse us?

Mary’s learned.

She’ll teach her daughter.

Baby steps. Eventually, we’ll get there.

Posted by Dale at 7:39 a.m. Comments